Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking
at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go and buy a very large tin of WD40.
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are
throbbing
then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are
doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be.
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it
up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, 'ickle number...
but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo
underground (in fact
that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Fiesta's are easy to maintain right... right?
So you think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at
the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst
muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then
declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going
to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start
to feel
deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your toolbox isn't a suitable drift.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do...