I have booked an appointment with this Doctor! He bulk bills too!

 Q: Doctor,   I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong  life. Is
this true?
 A: Your  heart is only good for  so many  beats, and that's it...  don't
waste them on  exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding  up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like  saying you can extend
 the life of your car  by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take  a  nap.
 Q: Should  I cut  down on  meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?  
 A: You  must  grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow  eat?   Hay
and corn.   And what are  these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing  
more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering  vegetables to your  
system.   Need  grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a  good source  of
field grass  (green leafy  vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you   
100% of your recommended daily allowance of   vegetable  products.
 Q: Should  I reduce my   alcohol intake?  
 A:  No,  not at all.   Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled  wine,  
that means they take the water out of  the  fruity bit so you  get even more
of the goodness that   way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.   Bottoms   
 Q: How  can I calculate my  body/fat ratio?
 A:  Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is  one  to one.  
If you have two bodies, your  ratio  is two to  one, etc.
 Q: What  are some of  the  advantages of participating in a regular  
exercise   program?
 A:  Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My   philosophy is: No  

Q:  Aren't   fried  foods bad for you?  
 A:  YOU'RE  NOT   LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in   
vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.   How could  getting more  
vegetables be bad for   you?  
 Q:  Will  sit-ups  help  prevent me from getting a little soft  around   the  
 A: Definitely  not! When   you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  
should only  be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.   
 Q:   Is   chocolate bad for me?  
 A:  Are   you crazy?  HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the
 best feel-good   food around!
 Q:  Is   swimming good  for your figure?  
 A:  If   swimming is  good for  your figure, explain whales to  me.  
 Q:  Is  getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?   
 A:  Hey!   'Round' is  a shape!  
 Well,   I hope this has  cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about   food   and diets.


 For  those of you who watch what  you eat, here's the final  word on
nutrition and health. It's  a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting
 nutritional  studies.  
 1. The Japanese eat  very little  fat
 and suffer   fewer heart attacks than  Americans.
 2. The Mexicans  eat a lot  of  fat
 and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.  
 3. The  Chinese  drink very little  red wine
 and  suffer fewer heart attacks  than  Americans.
 4. The  Italians drink a  lot  of red  wine
 and suffer  fewer heart attacks than   Americans.  
 5. The Germans  drink a lot of  beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 Eat  and drink what you  like.
 Speaking   English is apparently what kills  you.


 'Life should  NOT  be a  journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  
 safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but  rather  to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand -  chocolate in  the other - body
thoroughly used up,   totally worn out and screaming 'WOO  HOO,